Humor Maze (resume)
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Resume Humor
Job-search specialist Robert Half reports that the following bon mots
recently appeared on actual resumes:
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know
of my immediate availability."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost
money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldn't work under those conditions."
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"The company made me a scapegoat-just like my three previous employers."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly
disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the
experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to
ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial
management as the major sphere of responsibility." [THIS GUY HAD TO HAVE
WORKED FOR ANDERSEN CONSULTING AT SOME POINT.....]
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer
does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate-especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
operation."
"Your requirements match the responsibilities of my present job
precisely, so I will be glad to do do again."
BOB LEVEY'S WASHINGTON POST
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those
interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't
fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we
knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light
years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major
American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job
applicants.
The lowlights:
1. Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it
would prove that the company's management was incompetent.
2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
3. Brought her large dog to the interview.
4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
5. Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.
6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at
the same time.
7. Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few
minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.
8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
9. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive
was qualified to judge the candidate.
10. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and
french fries in the interviewer's office.
11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the
middle of the interview.
12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice
president.
13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having
the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific
interview questions.
15. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call
the police.
16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap
dancing around my office.
17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly
thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
19. Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.
20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me.
Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that
the offer was formal.
22. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.
23. While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a
copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest
at the centerfold.
24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's
brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to
leave for another interview.
26. An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the
other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.
27. His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents
spilled, revealing ladies'undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.
28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception
area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require
indoor parking for the moped.
29. He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder
and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the
shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a
day, and this was the time.
30. Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the
unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.
31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk.
When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my
phone number. I called security.
33. She threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions
about the job, like nothing had happened.
34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if
he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why
he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then
reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured,
but I did need to get a new desk.
35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.
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